She put her playlist on shuffle, feeling unsure if she could have done this back in the days when she was in Alaska, in an attempt to make herself feel something. The night was young, and she had hundreds of miles to drive. Her car was not ready to hit the road, much like her. Maybe it wasn't a reasonable decision after all...

"You could try to wrestle with the mirror," he sang. "They said, 'You have to learn how to live here, and you're going to learn fast. Winter in Alaska is no joke." Bears and hunger were not the only threats; the weather made everything ten times worse. People had to stay inside most of the day, no more daydreaming while watching the sky or riding a motorcycle, even a simple walk seemed impossible... only darkness and madness that magnified every day...

Her happiness only lasted for a few years before her father went mad and started to build a wooden wall around the field to protect his family from the imaginary enemies who had haunted him since the war. The war turned her life upside down from New York to Alaska. After he returned, he couldn't keep a job for more than a week, and Mama was in charge of expenses, basically asking her wealthy parents for help, whom she had abandoned after moving in with Dad in the name of love. Maybe making bad decisions ran in the family. She remembered that Mama spent her last $20 on a pack of cigarettes and a book for her beloved daughter. Perhaps she realized that being with Dad was her biggest mistake in life. They had a fight that night, and she killed her love, then she killed herself, leaving her daughter all alone. She really thought that erasing herself and her untrustworthy husband from the surface of the earth could undo all the damage that she had done to her old, sad parents who lost their only child to an unqualified boy and her daughter who grew up in an unstable household, causing her trust issues.

Mama guessed wrong. She didn't win her mental battles. That wasn't the fresh start she always wanted. Mama's funeral was held perfectly thanks to her parents. It was like a dream from when she was 6 in their cozy apartment playing hide and seek with her dad while Mama was preparing her favorite dinner to a freezing cold night with a covered blood floor where both her parents died, to a well-dressed girl at her parents' funeral.

"But the truth can't be clearer than that, you've been fighting it off like a fever," he sang. She found herself in her car hours past midnight in the garage, asking, "Where was my destination again?" "You've got to let them go," he sang.