Loneliest

You'll be the saddest part of me

A part of me that will never be mine

It's obvious

Tonight is gonna be the loneliest

You're still the oxygen I breathe

I see your face when I close my eyes

It's torturous

Tonight is gonna be the loneliest

There's a few lines that I have wrote

In case of death, that's what I want, that's what I want

So don't be sad when I'll be gone

There's just one thing I hope you know, I loved you so

'Cause I don't even care about the time I've got left here

The only thing I know now is that I wanna spend it

With you, with you nobody else here

Tonight is gonna be the loneliest

You'll be the saddest part of me

A part of me that will never be mine

It's obvious

Tonight is gonna be the loneliest

You're still the oxygen I breathe

I see your face when I close my eyes

It's torturous

Tonight is gonna be the loneliest

I'm sorry but I gotta go

If you'll ever miss me give this song another go

And I just keep on thinking how you made me feel better

And all the crazy little things that we did together

In the end, in the end, it doesn't matter

If tonight is gonna be the loneliest

You'll be the saddest part of me

A part of me that will never be mine

It's obvious

Tonight is gonna be the loneliest

You're still the oxygen I breathe

I see your face when I close my eyes

It's torturous

Tonight is gonna be the loneliest

You'll be the saddest part of me

A part of me that will never be mine

It's obvious

Tonight is gonna be the loneliest

You'll be the saddest part of me

A part of me that will never be mine

It's obvious

Tonight is gonna be the loneliest

You're still the oxygen I breathe

I see your face when I close my eyes

It's torturous

Tonight is gonna be the loneliest

Ночной рейс

Я не могу, тебя разлюбить за одну ночь

Тебя позабыть за одну ночь

Я не могу тебя отпустить за одну ночь

Я не могу, тебя разлюбить за одну ночь

Тебя позабыть за одну ночь

Я не могу тебя отпустить за одну ночь

Ночной рейс

У окна в правом ряду

Мы летели исполнять мечту

Я без слов тону в твоих глазах

Я хочу вспомнить, ну как мне всё упомнить

Твой взгляд, твои глаза, словно смотрят на меня

Тебя я вижу вновь, наверное любовь

Затронула меня, сердце затревожило

Сердце затревожило, сердце затревожило

Затревожило

У руины жизнь любви сдаю, кричу в небеса

От безумия от безумия

Я не могу, тебя разлюбить за одну ночь

Тебя позабыть за одну ночь

Я не могу тебя отпустить за одну ночь

Я не могу, тебя разлюбить за одну ночь

Тебя позабыть за одну ночь

Я не могу тебя отпустить за одну ночь

The pain you're holding

می‌گفت حالا که جوونیم داره تموم میشه توی این راه، نمیتونم دوباره برگردم و هر کاری رو شروع کنم باید با همین بسازم...

منم همین طور، من هم همین طور...

Ночной рейс

От безумия от безумия...

Душа болит, душа болит...

پیرمرد و دریا

خیلی چیزها باید با خودت می‌آوردی که نیاوردی....

حالا دیگر وقتش نیست که به چیزهایی که نداری فکر کنی پیرمرد...

فکر کن با چیزهایی که داری چه می‌توانی بکنی...

Everlasting pain

آه طفلک بیچاره بی پناه... کاش هرگز به ۲۴ سالگی نرسیده بودی...

Heads, complements and selection

من در درخت ها و اطلاعات مربوط بهشون غرقم...

شاخ و برگشون جلوی پرواز ذهنمو هم گرفته، انگار پشت این دیوارها هیچ نیست... انگار هیچ وقت هیچ چیز وجود نداشته...

من و میز کتابخونه و کتاب و جزوه های فراوان، اطلاعات درهم و گاهی متضاد... کلمات جدید...

سعی میکنم از چیزهایی که نمیفهمم عبور کنم...

The one and only

Since my unsuccessful suicide I have been here. This place is a massive library, and I'm stuck in it until doctors in hospital give up on me and let me die. Here is a friendly lady that has opposite idea she believes that I have to search among all these books to find my redemption, a remedy. But I'm not very sure about that. I have made lots of bad decisions that got me here, sometimes I wonder what my life could look like if I took my chance to become a professional swimmer, dad loved the idea he went on and on about my bright future as a swimmer while he was driving me home. Or moving to Sydney with Lexi my childhood friend and make it as an English teacher. But I became a piano teacher who had only one student, I also worked in an instrument shop which my boss fired me because my face was too depressed, his last words were take a vacation it'll be good for your mental health. Funny thing is there is no such thing as mental health in me. My soul is wounded and wounds are infected. In my last day before I decided to take my life Jane's mom called me and canceled the piano classes for good. I figured that no one needs me and I'm like a parasite living with no purpose. Nice lady's name is Rose we kinda become friends...

...

They say the passage of time will heal all wounds but the greater the loss the deeper the cut and the more difficult the process to become holl again. The pain may fade but scars sarve as the reminder of our suffering and make the ... all the more resolved never to be wounded again. So as time moves along we get lost in distractions act out in frustration react with aggression giving ... and all do while we plot and plants we wait to grow stronger and before we know it the time passes we are healed ready to begin a new.

ویرایش شده و خوشکل شدش دستم نیست... یه چیزی رو همین جوری تصور کنید...

پ.ن یه نصیحت دارم بهتون برای تصمیم گرفتن خیلی فکر کنید، چیزی رو انتخاب کنید که تصمیم خودتونه، بهترین گزینه هست در شرایط موجود برای شما... هر راهی که انتخاب بشه سختی و عذاب خودشو داره ولی با این تفاوت که اگر خودت انتخاب کرده باشی سختی رو به جون میخری و ادامه میدی ولی اگه تحمیل باشه بهت هر دو قدم درجا میزنی :) حداقل سختی رو با سربلندی تحمل کنید بگید انتخاب خودم بود نه بقیه...

Substitution

Pull me in and I'll forget reality...

Gravity

Violet skies

All of the darkness

Lost when I look in those siren eyes

Into your orbit

Love to ignore all the warning signs

Passing me by like leaves in the river

I don't think twice

I was wrong

I could go but I'm never

Gone

Oh, guess you brought me right back down where you wanted me

Oh, should have seen the truth by now it's a tragedy

Oh, pull me in and I forget reality

Oh, I'm trying but I can't escape your gravity

Bright as day

Left in the morning

Knots in my stomach don't go away

Look what you've done

I'm not who I was

And I need some space

I see the door

But it's gone from the moment

I see your face

When I see your face

Oh, I'm lost

I could go but I'm never

Gone

Oh, guess you brought me right back down where you wanted me

Oh, should have seen the truth by now it's a tragedy

Oh, pull me in and I forget reality

Oh, I'm trying but I can't escape your gravity

Battle field

_ایا درمان شدی یا از چیزهایی که بیماری رو تحریک میکردن فاصله گرفتی؟

+ درمانی در کار نیست، قرار نیست مثل روز اول بشی فقط به اگاهی می‌رسی که بیماری! بیمار آگاه!

Delusion

When Mama and I moved into this house, I was 5 years old. She helped me navigate around the house. 'You can live just like a normal girl. All you need to do is remember how many steps each area is,' Mama said. The house seemed to shrink as I grew older. My bedroom used to be 20 steps, but it decreased to only 10, and the bookshelf that used to be 9 steps from my bedroom,it became just 3 steps away. The one thing that remained unchanged over the years was the number of stairs leading to the basement.

I didn't attend school as there was no place for me. Mama took matters into her own hands and educated me with books that she carefully chose to bring with us when we left. She believed the best method was for her to read while I listened and memorized. Soon, there was nothing new left for me to learn, and it became a monotonous cycle of the same dull texts, allowing me to wander around the clock.

...This place doesn't feel like home. I wonder where Mama might be, and beside me sits a man claiming to be my father, talking about an ophthalmologist who performed my eye surgery. He goes on about how soon I will be able to see the world again. After some time, he leaves with a weak excuse. What surgery is he talking about? Maybe these new scents and sounds are making me a little confused. Is this a dream? Could it all be a delusion? Perhaps I'm at home in bed with a fever. I recall a similar experience once or twice before when I fell ill, and Mama referred to it as... What did she call it? I feel a warm liquid coming down my cheeks, having a scent of anger and disappointment, and a sour, bitter taste... my head is pounding. I remember something I studied about death. Maybe it's happening to me. Suddenly, a loud beep rings out, making a lot of people rush into the room. Am I real? I wonder...

Let em go

She put her playlist on shuffle, feeling unsure if she could have done this back in the days when she was in Alaska, in an attempt to make herself feel something. The night was young, and she had hundreds of miles to drive. Her car was not ready to hit the road, much like her. Maybe it wasn't a reasonable decision after all...

"You could try to wrestle with the mirror," he sang. "They said, 'You have to learn how to live here, and you're going to learn fast. Winter in Alaska is no joke." Bears and hunger were not the only threats; the weather made everything ten times worse. People had to stay inside most of the day, no more daydreaming while watching the sky or riding a motorcycle, even a simple walk seemed impossible... only darkness and madness that magnified every day...

Her happiness only lasted for a few years before her father went mad and started to build a wooden wall around the field to protect his family from the imaginary enemies who had haunted him since the war. The war turned her life upside down from New York to Alaska. After he returned, he couldn't keep a job for more than a week, and Mama was in charge of expenses, basically asking her wealthy parents for help, whom she had abandoned after moving in with Dad in the name of love. Maybe making bad decisions ran in the family. She remembered that Mama spent her last $20 on a pack of cigarettes and a book for her beloved daughter. Perhaps she realized that being with Dad was her biggest mistake in life. They had a fight that night, and she killed her love, then she killed herself, leaving her daughter all alone. She really thought that erasing herself and her untrustworthy husband from the surface of the earth could undo all the damage that she had done to her old, sad parents who lost their only child to an unqualified boy and her daughter who grew up in an unstable household, causing her trust issues.

Mama guessed wrong. She didn't win her mental battles. That wasn't the fresh start she always wanted. Mama's funeral was held perfectly thanks to her parents. It was like a dream from when she was 6 in their cozy apartment playing hide and seek with her dad while Mama was preparing her favorite dinner to a freezing cold night with a covered blood floor where both her parents died, to a well-dressed girl at her parents' funeral.

"But the truth can't be clearer than that, you've been fighting it off like a fever," he sang. She found herself in her car hours past midnight in the garage, asking, "Where was my destination again?" "You've got to let them go," he sang.